Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Episodes 1 and 2: Premire


This 80s themed opening to Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) is the best thing ever since Just the Ten of Us went off the air. I miss TGIF! Back when you had to have talent to be on TV and act in a show. Now just being yourself, a douchebag, a virgin or all three is enough.

The idea behind this show is really very simple and like most things therein lies the beauty. In week one the men have the roses to give out this means that the women must compete for the attention of at least one dude to make sure that he gives her the rose so that she can stay another week. This week there are 9 women (but really only 8 because Ashley I brought her younger, "definitely NOT a virgin, sister and they are packaged deal), and 7 dudes. That means one chick is going home unless Ashley I. (Kardashley) doesnt receive a rose, then both her and her sister are out (which would suck because Lauren is the only interesting person on the show so far). The bottom line is they have to couple up and the odd person out is going home. Next week the women will have the roses and they introduce a couple new dudes to make it interesting and "shake things up."(I hate that saying).

After the cast arrives, we are immediately invited to watch Marcus and Lacy get married. Marcus and Lacy hooked up on Season 1 of the Bachelor in Paradise and Marcus proposed to Lacy at the end of taping the show (4-8 weeks?). If even that long. But as someone who watched Season 1, I have to say that the fact that these two survived dating throughout this show is some type of miracle and my bet is on their marriage lasting longer than any of the other Bachelor/Bachelorette marriages. Good for them!

Just to hit the highlights:

First, Jillian whom we last saw trying to bang the Iowa farmer, Chris Soules, on the last of the Bachelor, decided to get new fake tits to take to Bachelor in Paradise. And I couldn't have been happier. Smart decision. Look as a woman if you have ever thought, "I'm going to get fake tits and then I will..." Drop the first part and focus on the "I will..." you don't need fake tits to accomplish anything, except for maybe giving a good boob job or body shot. Ok, fine. There are some uses but these are not things you should aspire to achieving in life. Thank you Jillian for enhancing our viewing pleasure anyway. :)

Ashley I is joined by her sister, Lauren and the reason quite simply is that Ashley I is a virgin and her sister is "definitely NOT a virgin." Ok we get it. One sister sets 'em up and the other brings 'em home. That and these two somehow manage to talk to each other like they they both think the other one is an idiot. It's amazing. Lauren immediately started hooking up with Mikey T. (the T stands for testosterone) who likes to announce to everyone that he is the alpha male. Ummm, being the alpha male means never having to say you are the alpha male. If you have to proclaim that you are the alpha male, you most definitely are not alpha. Anyway, as far as I can tell, Lauren is there for the sole purpose of keeping Ashley I around because that woman is batshit crazy and would be booted in second if Lauren wasn't there as a bangable option.

First date card goes to Ashley I who invites Jared on a date. This somehow manages to be a far more difficult task than is required. You are trapped in a tropical paradise where you are expected to ask out 1 of 7 dudes. Whoever you ask is going to say yes, and if they don't...who the fuck cares. Ask one of the others and move on. This is how life works. So they go out, and Jared, surprisingly, has learned how to drive a dune buggy (last I checked he didn't know how to drive a manual in Ireland).

Jade asks Tanner on a date and I have no idea what they did. It doesn't matter. These two may have coupled up for the long ride, but we learned that Jade is a "free spirit" from her days trying to date an Iowa farm boy. The best part was when she said guys don't want to marry a girl who likes to party and have a good time. Um, Are you new? That is exactly the kind of girl guys want to marry. The party girl who likes to have a good time. You know what that leads to? A lifetime of having a good time. No seriously.

Clare, who was in the first season of BIP, arrives a few hours after everyone has had the chance to pair up and settles on going on a date with Mikey T. They end up on a tantric yoga date. To be fair, this would be the most awesome first date for two people with great bodies who want to bang each other, the problem is that Clare doesn't want anything to do with Mikey T. In which case, this is a horrible first date. Afterwards, she has to somehow communicate with the big brute that she is not into him. She may as well be talking to her raccoon from season 1 at this point.

Ashley S gets an ambulance ride to the hospital for unknown reasons (possibly bird flu).  I understand to some extent as to why we are not made aware of medical conditions that require hospital visits, but c'mon man. There are cameras everywhere, and we could at least be given some sort of an idea as to why she has to be rushed to the hospital. As she is being carted into the ambulance, Dan (an opportunity seeker) hops on board for the ride and somehow turns this into a date. Fistbump.

Jillian, fresh off her new, fake boobs, sees an easy mark in JJ. JJ is the weakest male cast member (not alpha) and Jillian (definitely alpha) seeks to take advantage of this. The problem is that she ends up overplaying her hand and JJ catches on. At some point, JJ has learned to ask the question, "why is this gorgeous woman interested in banging me?" This is an important life skill that most dudes never learn and fail to recognized. If you can't figure out why the girl wants to bang you, don't do it. Then Tenly comes along and swoops in an steals JJ's rose at the last second. Well played Tenly and good on you JJ for not falling for the Jillian fake boob trap.

Final Couples from the first rose ceremony:
Dan and Ashley S.

Jared and Kardashley Sisters

Kirk and Carly

Tanner and Jade

Jonathan and Juelia

Mikey and Clare

JJ and Tenly

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